I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
