he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
