She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
