Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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