i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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