God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The best revenge is premature balding
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
