Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
