Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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