Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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