Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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