I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
