the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
