you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
