Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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