I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
