it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
