The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
