You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
