Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Your dad touched me again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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