i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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