I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
