i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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