Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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