i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
