hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
