I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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