When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize