all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
