i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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