Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
