True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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