I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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