My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?