My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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