Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
