I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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