I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
