your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
