She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
