The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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