That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
