cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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