i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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