Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
