Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
