fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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