just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
