You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
