I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
