On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
