I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
