your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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