how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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