Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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