It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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