you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
