I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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