She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
